


Sentiment

by youwerefantasticrose



Category: Doctor Who, Roski - Fandom, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 21:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youwerefantasticrose/pseuds/youwerefantasticrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Loki falls from Asgard, he lands in Pete’s World, where he is taken in by Rose Tyler. Both broken, they grow together, but their pasts will ultimately break them apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He yawned as he padded into the kitchen, blinking away the morning sun shining through the window.

“Good morning, Ro—“ He stopped when he saw her sitting at the kitchen table, still in yesterday’s work clothes, her eyes red and swollen. She looked up at him, her eyes filling with fresh tears. He walked to her, his blue eyes full of concern.

“What is it?” he asked, his voice low. “What’s happened?”

“I can never get back,” she said quietly, her voice full of pain. “I’ll never see him again.”

***

It had been four weeks since then, since the dimension cannon’s failure, and the news from Torchwood that it would never work, that the barrier between the parallel worlds could not be broken without causing the destruction of both worlds; this marked almost two years since her separation from the Doctor. Rose had changed in these past four weeks. She was quieter, and her frequent smiles had almost altogether disappeared. Loki had no idea what to do. He wasn’t the type to cheer someone up, as sullen as he had always been himself. But he tried, for her. He would attempt to make dinner, or put on her favorite movie, as quaint and idiotic as he found it. But it never worked. She would half-smile, but before it could grow, it was as though she suddenly remembered, and she retreated into her despair.

This week, however, had been slightly better. Though it was never her full, bright smile (the one he treasured, especially when he caused it), there had been a few that were almost there. She was trying. He hoped that with time, she would become better, as he had with her help. It had taken months, but through Rose, Loki had changed from an arrogant and broken god to, dare he say it, almost… happy. She had made him better, and he hoped he could do the same for her. Though he felt guilty even thinking it, there was a part of him that was relieved that she couldn’t leave; but the rest of him quashed this, the sadness he saw in her hurting him more than he imagined her leaving would.

So the slight changes in her demeanor bolstered his hopes that, with time, she would be happy again, with him. He often thought of their first and only kiss, and remembered how she had kissed him back before she ran away. He understood how she’d felt guilty because of her Doctor, but now that there was no going back, he hoped that maybe, in the future… He tried not to hope too much. He had learned through his past that things rarely went his way. But he couldn’t help himself. Though he knew he wasn’t good enough for her, he saw how she had changed him in such a short while, and he knew that he would work until he was good enough, until he deserved her. With her, he never felt like an outcast, like a Frost Giant in a world of Asgardians; she accepted him for who he was, and that made him want to be better.

He wanted to tell her all this, but he knew he wouldn’t. He was too used to being rejected; he knew he couldn’t take it from her. He simply hoped.

***

She came home that day at around 9, earlier than the late nights she had been keeping. He sat in the living room, in his normal spot on the couch. He heard her pause in the alcove in front of the door, but he couldn’t see her. He heard her take a deep breath, but she didn’t move from the space.

He stood up, taking a few steps towards the alcove, moving to where he could see her, standing motionless. Their eyes, his blue and questioning, hers dark and blazing, slightly red-rimmed, locked.

“Rose?” he asked. “What are you—?”

Before he could finish, she closed the few steps between them. She flew into him, knocking him into the wall, and pressed her lips against his, standing up on her tiptoes to reach him. Loki’s eyes flew closed, his mind racing with confusion and joy, before it shut off completely. For a few moments he just kissed her back, one hand on her waist, the other on her face. Then his mind returned to him, and he quickly pulled away. He looked at her, his hand still on her face, both of them breathing hard.

“Rose, I—“ he paused, trying to gather his words, but unable to think with her looking at him like that, eyes dark and blazing, almost looking through him. “What are we—? Are you—? I—“

She smiled at him, not quite with the former glory of her past smiles, but the closest he’d seen in a while. He stopped talking, unsure of what he had been trying to say anyway. The smile did it. She was still pressed up against him, her hands on his chest, her face inches from his. His mind cleared, but for longing and a simple happiness he hadn’t felt in a long time, if ever.

He reached down and grabbed her by the waist, picking her up and turning them around, so it was her now pinned against the wall. She gasped as he kissed her again, rougher and more passionate this time, a low growl rising in his throat. She returned it eagerly, her hands rising up and settling in his hair. She moaned appreciatively as he pressed closer to her, his hands moving up from her waist. She writhed beneath him, and he moved his lips to her neck. She reached for the bottom of his shirt, tugging it until he released her enough for her to remove it fully. She quickly removed her own as well, prompting Loki to pick her up. She laughed, then wrapped her legs around his waist, planting her lips on his neck. He lifted her from the wall, and carried her down the hall to her room.

***

After he’d called out her name softly and she’d cried out wordlessly, they lay in her bed, still partly intertwined, hearts still racing, still breathing fast. Rose turned away from him and curled up on her side, her eyes closed, and her breathing slowed. Loki lay on his back, unable to sleep, kept awake by the swirl of emotions in his chest. After lying like this for an hour or two with his eyes closed, he heard something from Rose’s side. She sniffled, and then began to cry softly, but in earnest. Loki’s eyes opened, his happiness and peace shattered, suddenly worried and scared, not understanding her tears. He wanted to reach out and hold her, comfort her, and he was about to, when he realized that she’d waited until she thought he was asleep to cry. This scared him, and he lay there unmoving until she stopped, and her breathing slowed, truly asleep, while he lay awake, feeling helpless and afraid, as he often had before finding her. When he finally did fall asleep, it was restless. He awoke at the first rays of sunshine through the window, and turned over to see that Rose was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

She was loath to admit it to herself, but she did have feelings for Loki, only stirrings, really; at least that’s what she told herself. They had gotten closer as time went on. She had a strange affection for him. His calm presence was the complete opposite of the Doctor, but they were strangely similar too, in their intensity and in their alienness. They both seemed human, but there were moments when the fact that they weren’t struck her. With Loki, she could just see it in his eyes sometimes, an otherworldliness and a deep sadness, one she recognized both from her Doctor and from herself in the mirror. It was this shared sadness that drew them together at first. But with time, it was more than that. He made her laugh at his confusion over simple human things like Disney movies and the Internet. But he was strangely human, too, making their bond even stronger. She’d walked in on him crying once over a movie on the telly. He’d tried to play it off, but he didn’t mind when she came and sat next to him. When she cried too, he even put his arm around her. It was small moments like this that really bonded them. It was domestic, in a way that had been rare with the Doctor. Not that she had forgotten him, but having Loki around definitely helped.

But when she found out that it would never work, that she could never get back to the Doctor, nothing could comfort her. The news hit her like a blow to the head; afterwards she was dazed and numb. For a few days she blew off work and home, unable to deal with anything but her grief. She told Loki she was staying at work, and she told work she was sick at home. She checked into a hotel, locked herself in the room, and cried for days. She relived every memory she could of her time with the Doctor, almost sadistically magnifying her pain. She did this until she felt almost empty. Almost. She could never take it all away. After a few days she returned home.

The way Loki treated her on her return home reaffirmed her growing affection for him. Though he was obviously new to comforting people, his efforts showed her some of the softer side to him she had already seen. Though she was having a hard time, his attempts to comfort her did begin to help. As a few weeks passed, she began to feel slightly better, though she was far from okay.

It was though the Doctor had been her sun. And the hole she’d had inside her chest since they’d been separated had doubled in size now, dragging in all other feelings like a black hole, leaving her feeling empty and numb, shrouded in darkness. But Loki was like a small, warm star, staying constant, and giving off a small light inside her. That small light stayed steadily there, giving her something to hold on to, something to keep from being pulled in. And its brightness and warmth slowly but steadily grew.

The nights were the hardest. The first couple weeks, all she could think of was the Doctor and their time together: Scotland, Woman Wept, New New New York… Even in her dreams she saw these memories. But after a few weeks, she began to have different dreams, intermixed with the familiar dreams. Dreams of blue eyes, dark hair, and a soft kiss…

She always woke from these dreams with a jolt, immediately feeling guilty. She loved the Doctor. She knew she did; but she couldn’t help her dreams, could she? But after a while, it was no longer restricted to her dreams. She’d be sitting at work, and Loki would pop into her head, the feeling of his hand on her face, and she’d have to shake her head to get rid of the image. But that night, as she lay in bed, it would come back, and in those late hours, she was less likely to shake it away. She still felt guilty, but now that she knew she could never be with the Doctor again, now that she had no hope, she knew she should at least try to move on. And she was lonely.

And though she didn’t want to admit it, even to herself, she did have those feelings for Loki. With all the time they’d spent together, and the way he treated her, and that kiss… And as empty as she was now, with all hope lost, someone or something that made her feel anything was progress, right? 

So after a terrible week at work, when she felt worse than ever, she decided to do something about it. Everything this week had reminded her of the Doctor, and all she had felt was pain. The one solace had been Loki, and just the simplicity of a shared dinner or sitting together on the couch. But this week, that wasn’t enough. She needed to feel more, something other than the pain and numbness. So at work, when she had a spare few seconds, she made a decision. Tonight, she would kiss him. That was it. She often remembered their one kiss, and the feeling it had brought her before she had realized what she was doing. She needed that tonight.

She left a little early, unable to focus and stay as late as she had been, arriving home around 9. She opened the front door, stepped inside, and froze. What was she thinking? It had been so long since she’d done anything like this. And she loved the Doctor! What was she doing? She sighed, willing herself to move the steps into the living room.

She was just thinking this when Loki stepped into her field of vision, a concerned look in his eyes. When she saw him, the care he had for her shining from his face, her heart sped up, and she remembered in that split second all the times he’d been there for her, how much their relationship had grown since she’d found him, and how so, so alone she felt. With these thoughts racing through her head, she rushed toward him, reached up, and kissed him so forcefully that he was pushed back into the wall. She felt him stiffen, but then relax, kissing her back, one of his hands rising to her waist, the other to her face, pushing her hair away and placing his hand on her face.

The feel of his hands, his lips, and the beat of her heart pushed the numbness and pain deep down within her. She focused on the heat of his skin, the butterflies in her stomach, and the growing warmth in her own body. She was immersed in these feelings when he suddenly pulled away.

“Rose, I—” he paused, eyes hazy. Rose watched him struggle with his words, and she grinned, the first real smile she’d had in weeks. He looked at her, and he trailed off, just staring at her face, their bodies still pressed together, her hands on his chest, where she could feel the swift beating of his heart. He suddenly smiled back, the brightest smile she’d ever seen on his face. It lit him up completely and she was struck by how beautiful he looked.

He interrupted this thought when he picked her up, spinning her so she was against the wall, and kissed her, almost violently, a low noise coming from deep in his chest. She gasped as his body pressed into her, his kiss somehow both sweet and sharp. She hadn’t felt anything like this in a long time. She hadn’t really felt in a long time. She eagerly kissed him back, her earlier plans for “just a kiss” unraveling as his lips moved to her neck. She reached under his shirt, grabbing his waist, feeling his sharp hipbones underneath his skin, pulling him closer to her, her heart beating faster. She reached up and tugged up on the bottom of his shirt, pulling it until he moved just enough for her to remove it. She seized the chance to pull off her own shirt, then pulled him back to her, pressing his warm torso against hers, gasping as they touched. He bent down, kissed her collarbone, and to her surprise, grabbed her and pulled her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist, kissing his neck then wrapping her arms around him. He carried her down the hall to her bedroom, then gently laid her down on her back on the bed. He climbed on top of her almost predatorily, bracing his arms on either side of her. They stayed like this for a moment; she looked up into his eyes, which had seemed to darken a few shades. Her breath caught as he moved down over her, his lips taking hers possessively, her mouth opening to his. The rest moved in a blur of sensations and sounds, ending with Loki calling out her name, and Rose a wordless moan, their bodies straining together.

Afterwards, she rolled over to face away from him, the reality of what had just happened rolling over her. Her emotions were many: an inexorable sadness, tinged with guilt and yet, love, though she did not know whether for the Doctor, Loki, or both. She lay there motionless, her thoughts racing, but unwilling to let Loki know that she was upset. She waited for what seemed like forever, until she was sure he was asleep. And then the tears came. She kept herself quiet, but she cried for a while, unsure of whether her tears were for the Doctor, Loki, or herself; possibly it was some combination of both. After a while she stopped. Why should she feel guilty? she thought. He was gone. What was she supposed to do? And yet, she was still conflicted. She finally fell asleep, but was awakened a few hours later by her phone buzzing. It was Torchwood. The text read: COME IN ASAP. IMPORTANT.

She replaced the phone on the bedside table. It could wait, she thought. She rolled over to face Loki. He was asleep; he looked almost peaceful, but there was still that wrinkle above his forehead, as though even in sleep, he couldn’t be totally at rest. Looking at him, she felt a rush of affection, only slightly tinged with guilt. Maybe this would work. Maybe she could finally start back on the road to being happy. She smiled as he shifted in his sleep, his arm reaching out toward her. It was then her phone buzzed again.

NEWS ABOUT CANNON. COME IN NOW.

She went.


	3. Chapter 3

The stars were going out, they told her. The barriers between the worlds were weakening dangerously, and if they weren’t stopped, everything would be destroyed. But with the thinning barrier, the cannon would work, and Torchwood assigned her to pass over, to find the Doctor, the only person they knew who could help. 

This was what she had been waiting for, everything she’d wanted. But her emotions were a confused mess, a mix of happiness, terror at the battle that was sure to come, and guilt.

“We need you to go now,” they’d told her. And she wanted to. She needed to. She’d lost all hope of reunion, but now, suddenly, it was back, and she knew nothing could make her pass it up.

“I need an hour,” she insisted. It took some convincing, but they reluctantly agreed. 

“One hour,” her supervisor warned her. “We don’t have much time.”

As she quickly drove home, she tried to figure out what she would say to Loki. She had been happy a moment ago, but now, on her way to him, she realized what she was about to do, and her heart twisted within her.

***

When she walked in the door, he was there waiting. As she closed the front door, he stood up, but then, as though thinking better of it, sat back down. In a t-shirt and boxers, he looked so at home and vulnerable, and a pit formed in her stomach. She looked at him, no words coming. He looked back, his face passive, but she could see the fear in his eyes.

He knew something was wrong. He could see it in her face, the slight wrinkle of her forehead, the tension in her body, and her uncertainty. She stayed there, across the room, unmoving, as though unsure what to do.

What had he done wrong? he thought. A few short hours ago he had been the happiest he’d ever known, and now, though he didn’t know why, everything was wrong. There was a tension in the air that he couldn’t explain. Finally he couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Rose,” he said simply.

At this he saw her visibly swallow. She took a deep breath, then sat down in a chair across from him, rather than taking her normal spot next to him on the sofa.

“It’s working,” she said. “The cannon is ready.”

For a second he didn’t understand, but then the impact of the words hit him like a hammer, their meaning slamming into his mind harder than any blow Mjolnir could give. His emotions crossed his face for a split second, but he caught himself, keeping his face stone; inside, his heart raced, each beat a physical pain, as though her words had ripped it to shreds.

“When?” he asked, afraid to say more, and betray in his voice the emotions he was feeling.

“An hour,” she said quietly.

He stared at the floor, unable to look at her, knowing that it would break him, knowing that he couldn’t stand to break in front of her, not when she was leaving him.

“Loki, I—” she stopped, her voice cracking. She stood up, and slowly walked toward him, kneeling in front of him. He continued to lean forward, his eyes on the ground. She cautiously reached out, placing her hands on his knees. He had to suppress a shiver at her touch, her hands warm against his suddenly cold skin. Her hands shook, and she began to cry, her breathing ragged. She reached out and touched his face, and he couldn’t help himself; he looked at her.

Her tear-streaked face and her still-brimming eyes were like a shock to his chest. His breath caught, and the pain was almost blinding. He had to fight to stay unmoving, but he couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes.

Though his face was still, she could see the despair in his eyes. He looked as he had when she first found him; too proud to show it, but his pain clearly visible if you looked hard enough. She thought back to a few hours ago (had it really only been a few hours?), to the glorious smile he’d given her, and how now, he was broken again in front of her. She’d caused this, she knew. And her heart broke from that knowledge.

“I’m sorry, Loki. I’m so—” she couldn’t finish again, her voice breaking. “I have to go back. Please… please forgive me.”

He closed his eyes, unable to look at her any longer. He felt her lean towards him, and her lips pressed softly to his cheek. She began to pull back, but stopped, and softly kissed him on the lips. His eyes closed tighter, and it was over. She stood up, and her breathing hitched. She took a deep breath, and started towards the door. She opened it.

“Rose.”

She stopped.

“Please stay. Please.”

Her tears burned her cheeks as they fell.

“I can’t.”

And she closed the door behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

He sat there for what seemed like days, staring at the floor, his fists clenched, his whole body numb. He felt like his insides had been rubbed raw, and yet he stayed quiet, keeping his pain locked within him as he always had. But the pain fought back, clawing up his insides, rising higher and higher until it exploded it out of him, enveloping his whole self. He slid from his seat onto the floor, onto his knees, bowing his head until it touched the ground, clenching his fists even tighter until he felt blood seep from his hands. His eyes burned, tears racing down his cheeks; his blood seemed to burn within him, a heat that threatened to overtake him.

She was gone. That thought rang through his head, bouncing back and forth, hitting him again and again like a punch to the stomach. Her face burned through his brain like a brand; her hair, her eyes, her smile. His ears rang with the sound of her voice, her laugh, her sighs of pleasure when he’d touched her. It was agony to him, like he was walking through fire. She was gone. She’d left him.

She’d left him. He sat up, and raised his shaking hands. They were blue, smeared with the red of his own blood. A blast of ice shot through his body, a cold feeling of betrayal, loathing, and an overwhelming rage.

“Of course she did!” he shouted, his eyes squeezing shut. How foolish he had been. He was an outcast, unwanted. He always had been. He’d always been alone. Odin hadn’t wanted him. Even Thor hadn’t. This was fitting. This was what he deserved. He was a monster. He didn’t belong there, and he didn’t belong here. Why would she want him? He was broken, always had been. Not an Asgardian. Not a man. Not even a Frost Giant anymore. He was nothing.

But she hadn’t thought that, a small voice within him said. She accepted you.

He remembered her hand in his, her smile as their eyes met, her laughter at his stories…

And her walking away. The soft closing of the door behind her.

“No.”

He stood up, his eyes dry now. Anger rose inside of him, cold and bitter, freezing the heat of his love for her into a hard ball in his chest. The healing she’d done, the scar tissue she’d helped him form, compacted into this frozen space, leaving his wounds jagged and open again. The ice overtook him, freezing him; he stood there, his hands shaking, frozen in this rage, these wounds that could now never heal, his loathing for himself and everyone else engulfing him. Each angry thought formed a cold layer around the hot pain in his chest, moving it deeper and deeper within in, until he was almost completely cold.

She was human, he thought, disgust and rage filling him. Human. She was beneath him. They all were. What had he been thinking? He was no better than Thor, wasting time with a mortal, growing weaker because of it. Humans were nothing to him! Weak, pitiful fools, who couldn’t make their own decisions. They didn’t deserve to, he thought. What was the point of them?

They relied on emotions, their feelings, sentiment. Sentiment made them weak. He was above it, had been a fool to indulge it. Sentiment was their problem. Humans. They were small, pathetic, mewling creatures. How low had he stooped, to trust one, to feel for one. He was above it. He was above them. He wasn’t nothing. They were.

With each thought, his anger grew, and the ice within him hardened. He flicked a hand and the window shattered. The cold air blew in, and he smiled, a joyless, monstrous smile.

He knew now what to do. Humans, they were weak. They needed to be ruled, taken over, relieved of their freedom. And he could do it.

He must do it.

***

Months later, he had an army. He was sure he could win the Earth, take over the humans. He would finally have what he wanted, what he’d always told himself he wanted. His quest and the ice within him took over all of him, becoming him. His heart stayed frozen, his rage all-consuming, layers and layers compressing the small, hot pain in his chest, until he could barely feel it. He prayed it would stay that way.


End file.
